"This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet. "
Love comes in so many different forms. The love for family, friends, God, pets and the one type of love that has eluded me almost my entire life...romantic love. Sure I fell in love a few times in my life, but it will never make the pages of a romance novel. I remember reading my first romance novel when I was younger and wishing someone could love me like that.
Reality did not match the books. The guys in my reality always seem to run away. One just wanted to spend time with his friends and cut our dates short, another wanted to know me when it was convenient for him and the list goes on and on.
I was never the beautiful one that had guys lined up waiting to go out with me. I wore glasses, had really bad acne, was way too skinny and to top it off I had a weird personality to add to the mix. So no, they were not lining up.
Since then the acne cleared up, I got Lasik for my eyes, because I was tired of being referred to as the girl in glasses and I gained enough weight to actually look nice in clothes. So I basically changed my whole appearance just to get noticed. It sucked feeling invisible and I hated that no one ever chose me.
The few times that I got some attention, I made the mistake of being with the guy just because I liked the attention. Then I noticed if I liked the guy, I became insane and jealous. Like I owned him, and he was never even mine. I realised it’s better to be alone for now. I needed to learn to love myself first, before I could let anyone else in.
When you fall in love, what no one says out loud is that every insecurity you have about yourself will surface and it will be magnified. Yes it feels amazing to fall in love. Suddenly you're insanely happy, everything is beautiful and you feel completely out of control. Love can also fill a void and that's where we set ourselves up for future pain. If that love goes away for some reason, that void will make you feel like you're dying a very slow painful death.
When that initial attraction fades and yes it will fade, then reality sets in. This is the point where you see each other clearly. It's also at this point where most relationships end. It takes hard work if you continue with the relationship after that initial attraction. It can feel like you're loosing your identity and you need to sacrifice alot. Suddenly there's this other person and it's not just all about you any more. You have to give, give and give some more. Just make sure you're not the only one giving. If the other person just takes, takes and takes, then get out.
For those who refuse to end a relationship for the fear of hurting the other person. Guess what?! You're not doing anyone any favours. Be honest, end it and move on. The one you're breaking up with will be free to find someone else instead of wishing everyday that you loved them more. Believe me they can feel it when you're not all in.
What got me through my breakups was realising that not everyone fits. Everyone has different beliefs, values, tastes and if you're lucky you'll find your perfect match. At that point you need to take a step back and look through reality glasses, not through fantasy love glasses. Yes it hurts like hell. Time heals all wounds and your pain will go away over time.
Falling for someone and loosing that love can make you see yourself clearly and it's an opportunity to start healing from your past. For those who are in the same relationship over and over again, You know who you are. You always find yourself in the same sucky relationship that always sucks. Different person, same dynamic. It should be a wakeup call that something in your life needs healing. You'll attract people that reflect how you see yourself. I attracted guys that made me feel like nothing, because I believed that about myself.
For those who are jealous and possessive in relationships, stop comparing yourself to others. God gave us all amazing unique qualities. Know your worth. There's only one you in this world and someone fell in love with everything you are. So don't insult them by being jealous.
Some of us don't even know or love ourselves first, before we let someone else in. Then when the relationship ends we don't understand why that person left. Be honest with yourself. Was it really perfect? Were you compatible or did you just imagine a happily ever after before knowing who that person really is and before knowing who you really are. Be honest about what you want out of a relationship, instead of settling because you're scared of being alone.
With all my failed relationships, I know exactly what I don’t want. What I do want is someone that makes me a priority (so thank you ex first boyfriend for not making me a priority), I want someone to be proud that I’m in his life and not only know me when it’s convenient (thank you other so called ex boyfriend for hiding me from your friends).
I want someone that understands me and makes me laugh and who is there for me no matter what (thank you my dear best friend for setting a really high standard that will be hard for other guys to follow). Yes, we’re just best friends. We also have monthaversaries every month on the 16th because that's the day we met. He calls it mushy day and it might sound weird, but I told him I don't want to be one of those people that looses someone just because I never told them how much they mean to me. So that's why we have mushy day every month. Guess we just feel lucky that we've found each other. It’s the best relationship I never had.
My hope for those out there is that you learn to love yourselves. I hope you find someone that appreciates you and can see your beauty inside and out. I hope you find someone that respects you, understands you and loves you like you're meant to be loved. Lastly, I hope that you don’t settle for less than what you truly deserve.
Until next time,
Want to read more Renza posts? Here's some links!
Practicing mindfulness and meditation
10 reasons why getting older is not so bad
Pic credit: Renza's bestie took quote background pic. Pixabay pics Renza edited.
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